


the space between the things you know (is blurring)

by Gabrielle_Day



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Gen, Introspection, Snippet, Winter Soldier Bucky Barnes, Winter Soldier POV, during that moment on the helicarrier
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-05
Updated: 2014-11-05
Packaged: 2018-02-24 05:48:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 641
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2570405
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gabrielle_Day/pseuds/Gabrielle_Day
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It’s so loud. It hasn’t been this loud in his head since the last time he was staring at this man’s face across an unbridgeable distance, wind howling in his ears, fear screaming through his veins, bones creaking as he reaches.</p>
            </blockquote>





	the space between the things you know (is blurring)

It’s so loud. It hasn’t been this loud in his head since

- _since the last time he was staring at this man’s face across an unbridgeable distance, wind howling in his ears, fear screaming through his veins, bones creaking as he reaches...reaches…_ -

He stares at the bloodied face beneath him, fist frozen in mid-swing. The puff of labored breaths hit the tips of his flesh and blood hand, curled in the fabric of this star smattered uniform.

- _let’s hear it for Captain America...keep breathing for me, you gotta keep breathing_ -

The information is there, resting in the part of his mind he can never quite seem to reach. He knows that he knows this man, more than the mission. He knows. _He_ knows. He _knows_. He wants to finish this mission, invite back the silence, the only peace he gets. He wants to press his face against the rough fabric and soft skin and reach for what this man is offering, the peace he might have had once.

- _I’m with you. I’m with you. It’s me. I’m with you. I joined the army. I’m with you. I can take care of myself. I’m with you. I’m your friend. I’m with you._ -

It burns his eyes and pounds through his head. Slowly he becomes aware of all the points of contact between them and it’s warm. So unexpectedly, blissfully, painfully warm. Hesitation, though, is his undoing and his limited choices are all ripped from him as the helicarrier breaks apart. Metal screams and the blue-eyed apparition is falling away, his hand left grasping empty air and wasn’t that the sound of

- _himself, screaming, always screaming, always falling, falling, falling_ -

Another piece gives out and plummets to the water below, following the soldier’s body. It’s only on instinct that he reaches out, holds onto a beam, buying himself time. It should help, he thinks, watching the soldier fall, his arms outstretched as if still reaching for him. He will die, either from blood loss or drowning. It should help. He has completed his mission, however disgracefully. The noise in his head should go down with the soldier - _Captain_ \- but it’s louder, now.

The writhing in his mind can only mean one thing. He grits his teeth. There is no place for them both. They agreed long ago. They had to survive. He never remembers why. And now, now that he knows the soldier is headed for certain death, everything is so much louder. It’s so loud, it hurts.

- _You’re the Soldier. He’s the Captain. We’re following...no, not following him. Following...I thought you were smaller.  With you…_ -

He’s so tired. In another minute, two and a half minutes at most, it will all be over. The helicarrier will crash and he’ll drown, not far from where his...from where the…

A guttural sound leaves his throat. He’s so tired, and they’re closer to sleep than they’ve ever been...all he has to do is wait. He’s waited a long time. In death there is freedom, he thinks. Failure, yes, but he doesn’t think there will be anybody coming for him anytime soon. Nobody to count the loss. And if the Captain is dead then he has not failed.

Except that he knows that is not true. If his Captain dies, he has failed the only thing that ever really mattered.

- _Not my Captain, not my mission, is my mission, is my..he got out, he got out....don’t do anything stupid...I’m with you, punk, I’m with you_ -

We could wait, he thinks desperately. We could be free.

The noise fades and for one split second it is silent. Then, he hears himself, the clearest and loudest thought he’s had in almost seventy years.

_No. Not without him._

The Sergeant chooses. The Soldier jumps.

**-'** _Til the end of the line._

**Author's Note:**

> A headcannon sort of took root for me that maybe at some point during the process of being wiped over and over again, Bucky realized he was losing himself and in part retreated behind the Winter Soldier to protect whatever part of his identity he could hold onto. In that moment on the helicarrier, I wondered what was happening in his head as the pieces of his identity as Bucky and his identity as Winter Soldier, such as it was, just barely start to meet. Also I wanted to play around with format/presentation a little. Thus, this short. Title taken from the song Beside You by Marianas Trench. Thanks for reading!


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